Happy Birthday Baby!!!

I miss my beautiful wife Leni Provine. She would be 53 today, it's her birthday today. I would like to emphasize what a beautiful and good person she was.

Kind to everyone. Volunteered her time and money her whole life. Loved helping others in need.

I am lost and lonely without her. I'm scared to be completely by myself once my daughter turns 18 in three years.

She would be so upset with me for continuing to constantly miss dialysis. I just don't feel like going on without her sometimes and she would never put up with me missing a single dialysis treatment. I have now missed over 20 treatments since she's been gone.

My cancer continues to be in remission for now, so I guess that is the one good news in my life.

I have no wife, no love in my life, very little money (all gone between her and my medical treatments over the past 5 years). Today just reminds of the happiness and joy I used to have in my life.

From the time I met her in 1996 until the day she left this earth. She was my entire world and I had one single focus (to make her proud and happy). I have no real focus now other than an obligation to try and make my 15 year old daughter have as good of life as possible over the next few years (of which I am doing a terrible job), and wishing I could be a part of my older daughters lives (but that ship has sailed long ago I believe).

My wife was born in the Phillipines, moved to Hawaii when she was very young, and was just a beautiful person inside and out. She loved watching her K dramas, loved reading her romance novels, loved working with and helping others, she donated her time and money her whole life. She cared about everyone. She was the heart and soul of our business and cared so much for our employees, and who they were, and what they were going through. They were like family to her.

She loved to go out and eat with me. We ate out so often. She loved going to all of the different restaurants in Las Vegas when we lived there. She loved going to all of the restaurants in Hawaii when we moved back, she loved eating out in Illinois when we lived there. She particularly loved Hugo's Frog Bar and Meson Sebika in Naperville where we lived for 20+ years, and going out for breakfast on the river walk. She loved going to Koolina Lagoons and swimming and relaxing.

She just made my life complete, and I was never scared or alone with her in my life. My how that has changed since she has been gone.

I still see her name when I login to watch the streaming services like Netflix and Amazon etc and it makes me sad each time. I don't understand why she's gone. I just don't. She was the nicest person, loved everyone, always did what was right, and still didn't even make it to 53. It just makes no sense.

She loved her daughters so much. She loved Truffle our English Cocker Spaniel who I got for her right after she was diagnosed with Cancer the first time. I had hoped she would outlive him, that did not turn out to be the case. She was so happy with him.

She loved going for rides on the Harley Davidson motorcycle. She loved going to the museums and shopping, and just doing something different every day. She hated to stay home. She always wanted to go somewhere and do something different every single day. "We need to live our life like it's our last day". This is something she always said.

We had such an amazing life together. All gone now. I miss her. I miss our old life. I miss everything about her. She was my entire world, my reason for being, my safety net in life.

All gone now.

Now I just exist.

Today is tough for me when it should be a celebration of her as an amazing person in this world.

I just sit here in tears as I write this with sadness and melancholy.

Happy Birthday my beautiful baby!!!