Hard to say goodbye

Hard to say goodbye
Photo by Sandy Millar / Unsplash

Tomorrow will be one week after the death of my wife. I am having such a difficult time. It's hard to breathe, hard to think, hard to focus. I am drifting aimlessly in the wind and I don't know where I am going to end up. I need to pull myself together and get back on track. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start making a difference again. All I ever cared about was making my wife happy and proud and having a great life with her. I never really worried about anything else. I don't really have any friends. I never needed any. I was always 100% content with my life with my wife by my side and her constant companionship. Without her by my side, I don't know where I'm going, but I do know that I'm lonely. Beyond belief. My mind keeps drifting away as I try to focus. I can't hold a coherent thought for long. This will be my last message where I'm feeling sorry for myself because I have to turn things around for myself and my daughters. My wife would not have wanted me to just fade away into nothingness. I am going to start again and make my wife and daughters so proud. I truly am starting over again at 50 years old. What a mess I have made. Luckily, I am very good at everything I set my mind to, and dammit, I will turn things around. I have to.

Things to be grateful for: Amazing life with Leni, 3 amazing daughters, fantastic sister, Leni's family is so supportive, health is good so far (keep it that way).

Things to be worried about: Need to get back on track financially. Our health has cost us almost all of our financial savings over the years. This last transplant that I did was pretty much the last of our funds. The good news is it seems to have worked. The bad news is my wife is gone, and so is our money. I have to stop living my life like I'm dying, and start living again. I've been so worried about my wife's health and my health over the past few years that I've neglected everything else. I spent most days just worrying if I would be alive, or my wife would be alive. It has to stop now. I have been given a second chance so it seems, health wise. My tests and labs currently show everything being healthy. I need to stop living in fear and start building up a healthy, positive life for my daughters and I. I am so grateful that my oldest daughter Shayna is staying with us. She is going to help me and Kayley and we will all stay together. She is such a brilliant woman. I know she is so embarrassed of me. I am 50 years old, and starting over again financially. I am so excited to be working with her and having a future with her in my life. Kayley, my baby. You are amazing and I am going to make sure you have an amazing life. Audrey, the rock, so kind and gentle and loving. Thank you so much for coming and helping during mom's final days. I am just rambling, but that is my life now. I'll sign off for now. Thanks for reading and listening. It helps me.